A Very Fortunate Girl

May 31, 2012

Today, or tonight, rather...  A young lady at Mt. Baker High School, in Deming (Demingham), Washington - will be the first recipient of The Sarah Baisden Scholarship.  A scholarship built specifically (and legally) for "middle class white kids".  The kids statistically, that have a bit harder time "winning" college scholarships - something that frustrated my niece.  Applications were submitted for this scholarship.  A scholarship that some of you donated to by purchasing some of the "Sarah Forever Young" t-shirts that family and friends put together to help the efforts to make this happen.  (Thank you again!)

She's been on my mind so much lately.  I think about her daily - as I've said before, I have a button in my car with her face and "thumbs" up where my Starbucks card "lives".  This way, I see her and think of her each and every single day.  I don't ever want there to be a day that I don't think of her.  So aside from my time in the car, she's been in my dreams and thoughts while I sit at the computer, on the machine at the club, as I've sat watching TV and for me - because we weren't able to be close prior to September 16th, 2011 - well I spend time wondering "Why?" she might be hanging around as of late?  

It's much like the 8 or 10 weeks after September 16th - while momentarily unemployed during that time, I found myself sitting at my computer and hours later, I would realize I didn't know where the time had gone.  I spent so much time crying for the loss of my beautiful niece and wondering "why?"  I spent time believing down to my core, that these are the things that are supposed to bring family back together.  A young woman who died hating me because of a riff between her mother and I.  Yes, it's supposed to be between my sister and I - and my boys are still in contact with their aunt... but, stuff happens.  Family happens.  And it's too bad.

I picked up where I should  never have left off and sent Katie a couple of cards on her birthday with something kids love most ($$)... then her mom and sister Christmas gifts in Phoenix.  I sent Valentines cards and a Mothers Day card.  I invited her mom, Zach's aunt, to his graduation party.  I'm trying to do the right thing, in a non-threatening way. So I figure she's been around because she's trying to tell me to work at it harder.  More often.  Try something different?  I don't know.  But, and I'm just going to go for it here - I believe I'm supposed to be *getting*  some message.  Is she trying to utilize me and who knows who else for something?  A lesson?  A message?  And while there's a part that is frustrated by not knowing (control freaks hate this...) there's a part of me hoping I don't ever get "the answer".  Because then I could continue to tell her that I'm sorry I didn't get to be the aunt I was for her the first 12 years of her life and own my part of it.  I know she knows... and she knows I'm not the only culprit here.  I know she knew it before September 16th - but I also understand first hand, the things you do and say when your parents divorce and one leaves. You want acceptance.  Affirmations of love.  The parent that left and moved away.  It's hard.  I understand.

Maybe I'm stuck in thinking it has to do with her mom, or her sister and I need to move away from that?  I allowed myself to wonder if perhaps she's been "here" to help guide Zach with his weekend at UW nearly two weekends ago and then his recruitment this past weekend here in The Can.  Maybe I'm just sensing her, but she's really "hanging around" one of the boys.  That's probably it - I'm just getting the "side effects" of her "taking care" of her cousin, or cousins.  

And then today this:

And then later a phone call to tell me tonight was the night and that her sister, Katie, will be awarding the scholarship.  How very brave of her.  I can't imagine...

With bravery tonight, Katie helps, in yet another way, to continue to keep her sister alive by awarding a young lady a scholarship in her sisters name.  And if that girl should attend EWU (where Sarah spent 2 years) or UW (Sarah's planned "next stop") or Cal, Duke, Arizona State, Appalachian State, Utah or Bellingham Community College - I choose to believe that the meaning of and behind this scholarship can... WILL only bring about good.  Good dreams, good opportunities, good jobs, good relationships, good friends, good life experiences.  

All of the things Sarah excelled at.  

Only good can come from it because she was good people...  And this... from tonight's presentation.