Is 10:17am Too Early For A Glass Of Wine?

I actually know the answer to this question.

But it's Saturday.

Football Saturday.

Home game, football Saturday.

Home game, football Saturday, senior year.  Final season.

Oye.  

On Thursday night I prepped the jalapeno poppers and did the salt/spiced rub on 5 pork roasts and tucked it all in the refrigerator while listening to Blue Eyes show on KUGR.wsu.edu - Cougar Sports Talk.  On Friday morning, instead of my work out, I got the first roasts going in the crock pot for the pulled pork sandwiches to feed our tailgating guests and the boyz after the game.  After work yesterday I went to task making the 7 layer dip, 4 dozen cupcakes and getting the house back in order after having all of the carpets cleaned yesterday and for the first time in 11 years - the ducts all cleaned out.  While The Dad was properly disgusted by what came out of the vents - I personally, when he texted me the photo, was surprised it wasn't more - given my experience with the furnace/air conditioning "man" back in the day when we still had only 1 dog and 3 cats.  The previous owner had 3 dogs and 1 cat.  We are, as you know, now a 3 dog family.  And knowing that, remembering the issue from back in the day - we elected to have the ducts done.  Also, with company expected there were clean sheets to get on beds, fans to move around to help dry the carpets - oh, and how about we rush it all so we can go watch the EWU Lady Eagles in volleyball!  Ack!  But even all of that was not enough to fray my nerves.

Fast forward to Saturday morning.  Unable to sleep since 5:42 this morning and didn't hit the hay until after midnight.  The LAST of the 5 pork roasts dinged at 5:40 this morning, there were cupcakes to frost and bacon to cook for the poppers.  I showered first and while I got all of that going - I had The Dad and Uncle Rob head to the store for the cheese and veggie trays, chips for dips, lettuce for the sandwiches and most importantly - MY STARBUCKS!  

All the while... nerves in check.

But then The Dad, Uncle Rob, and Wayne left for the Upper Lot.  The trailer packed, ice in coolers and food secured... my job is done - for now.  And it's quiet.  Which is what I've been wanting during my lunch breaks during the work week. Right?

But it's a game day and I always get nervous when there's nothing to do but think about it. If only I had saved the bedrooms to be made up, cleaned, laundry to do... something, anything to keep my mind off of it.  But I didn't.  Note to self:  "You idiot!"

Ironically - I don't drink at the tailgates, like most event-goers do.  I have a sip or two of wine to calm my nerves very shortly before walking in to take my seat.  Section D, Row 27, Seat 7.  If it's colder weather, then it's cider with Fireball and it's more than a sip, but it's more cider than it is fireball.  It's supposed to be 77 degrees today, it's a "blackout" so with the sun hitting us for a while it's sure to be warm - add to that my stupid inconveniently timed hot flashes, well, maybe I WILL drink more than a sip or two this year...

Backing up a bit... the time I sit here and type this - Blue Eyes was supposed to be here between 9 and 10 to get new tires and an alignment done.  This was the task that was to help keep me from falling apart at the seams until close to noon.  Texts and calls unanswered until after The Dad and company departed.  He'd overslept.  <sigh>  New tires and alignment now on hold.  Perhaps, with The Dad home during the week he can go switch cars with Ry for a day or two to make it happen.  Sure, they could do it in Pullman, but our guys at South Hill Lloyds Automotive take good care of us and got us a swingin' deal on #7's new tires recently...  So there's that.  

Just received a text from my niece saying they are there already, cooking breakfast.  I guess that means I need to pull up my big girl pants and make sure I take the sh*t The Dad forgot. His medicine.  His pill.  His sweatshirt.  And then the stuff that only "the lady" can be responsible for - tickets, lot passes, club access passes, bookstore 20% off card, and a level head.  

Spokesman Review 9/29/12
http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2012/sep/29/emotions-run-high-when-eastern-plays-montana/

"When I Get Home".... He Said...

I didn't know that the Huskies' game was last night until late in the day when a co-worker asked if I was going to watch the game...

 

So I texted Wack and asked him if he was going to the game.

 

Wack: "Yup"

MOTY: "With the guys?"

Wack: "Of course."

MOTY: "Did you get your package today?"

Wack: "I'm not sure.  I'll check when I get home."

 

Home?  A sleeping porch where 16 guys sleep on bunkbeds, he eats at a table with 75-100 other guys, where he will sweep floors and clean toilets, has already replaced The Lloyd House as...

 

"Home"

 

 

 

But, I will say this about the new "temporary" home... that you feel like you are walking into Hogwarts when you walk through that front door.  So though it tugged at my heart last night when I read it - it did feel "magical" when I walked into the house on 17th Ave NE.  As long as he's happy... I'll TRY to be.

 

It's all I can do.  Obliviate...  



Wacky Wednesdays

A few weeks back... well, more than that, a co-worker of mine returned from the facilities (restroom) and quietly told me a story about her trip to the bathroom.  It wasn't crude or anything that would make you wrinkle your nose up and think "Eeeewww" but it is a bathroom "story" so keep reading if you so choose.

Honestly - all it is - was something like this.  "I just went to the bathroom and apparently the lights in my house weren't working this morning because my underwear are on inside out."  Thus "Wacky Wednesdays" were born.  There haven't been any since... until yesterday.

It was hair appointment day, its the end of the quarter, it's political year, it's my first Wednesday without Wack around, it's home game week... it's just busy and I have a ton on my mind.  I got dressed - black pants and black long sleeve shirt, black loafers and then put on three of my Park Lane necklaces.  And off I go.

Worked all day, home for lunch, back to work and when I get home, and The Dad is itching to get out and about to get all of the trimmings for Tailgate 1 this weekend.  I told him I had to run to the bathroom and thought I would change...  My underwear were not on inside out - and yes, I was wearing them.  No... no...  it couldn't be that discreet.  Instead I wore my long sleeve black Downeast Basics shirt backwards all.  day.  long.

I knew when I was putting on my jewelry that the shirt somehow looked wrong.  I felt uncomfortable in it most of the day with the neck being up higher.  But when I decided to change, and then not... I was adjusting my necklaces, then decided to take them off - which is what REALLY made me take notice.  So I pulled out the collar and sure enough, there was the proof.

I flipped it around, decided not to change and off we went.  My night went much nicer than the entire whole day had gone.  With the exception of the hair appointment which did wonders as well!

But now it's Thursday - I've got pork roasts to season and paste a salt rub on overnight, poppers to prep and Friday will find me making cupcakes, 7 layer dip and final preparations for the game on Saturday.  Ohhh... speaking of which...  This is on the GoEags website today!

Let's Go!

Q&A with Jeff Minnerly

What? Today WASN'T Wednesday?

So that sucks.

At least as far as working goes.

The good news this week is that on the real Wednesday, I have a hair appointment.  An appointment where I'll tell my stylist that I took the baby to college and likely have to stop talking while my lip quivers, I make myself breathe a few times and then switch the subject to how The Dad is trying really hard at being Suzy Homemaker...  

But Wednesday gets us closer to Thursday.  Thursday will find me sitting on the couch from 8-10p listening to kugr.wsu.edu listening to Blue Eyes and his third Cougar Sports Talk show.  All I can do is gush with pride when I listen to it!  Of course this means I will have to DVR "Grey's Anatomy".

Friday the carpets get cleaned and I prepare enough food to feed an army.  Or at least a couple dozen tailgaters before, during and after the game as well as a good number of big college football players.

I just gotta get to my appointment tomorrow and then it all starts to come together.

Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beer...

You take one down, pass it around...

Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall...

Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety eight bottles of beer...

You take one down, pass it around...

Ninety seven bottles of beer on the wall...

Ni... 

Out Of My Blogging Mind!

I'm making excuses as to having fallen off the post-a-day (or as close to a post a day as possible) goal.  But it's all valid.  I've been outside my mind busy getting that last baby boy of mine shopped for, prepped, packed and moved off to his new home in Seattle.  We spent nights and weekends shopping for bedding, foam pads, socks, new pants, bags, bins, etc.  

I worked late three nights and thru a few lunches because I knew I would be gone a work day to make that all happen.  

I was regrouping after a tumultuous 6 weeks after finding out that The Dads' employer had sold his company and The Dad and three other Senior Level Executives were not going to be asked to stay on with the new national company - and thought I would be able to get back to my goal of birthday cards for those in my circle - and even THAT fell by the wayside (again) due to the "Moving time for the third son SNUCK up on us and now we have to cram everything into 4 days" time.

ON TOP OF THAT...  The Dad being home, I'm gonna say it... disrupts my lunch time.  When he's working - I come home, let the dogs out, start some laundry, make a piece of toast, some leftovers or eat a yogurt, sit down at the computer and post my post.  But with The Dad home... I come home, the dogs are already out, the laundry still gets started and then as I prepare my lunch - he chats.  And he wants to discuss turf products for holy board and tailgating plans.  All I want to do at lunch is relax.  My job is so busy all of the time and right now with political it's double hell.  Not that there is such a thing.  But if there was, this is it.

Today I luck out (sorry The Dad).  Today The Dad has a meeting he HAS to go to per the Unemployment Security Department, in order to start receiving his benefits.  It would have been nice if on, July 23rd, the day he KNEW he would not be working after 8/31, he could apply then, so there wasn't a 4 week lapse without pay...  But it is what it is, and today - I get to hang with my four legged friends, eat my toast and let my mind wander.

In the days I haven't been able to post - there's been some STUFF going on.

- We moved Wack.  I made his bed.  Saw his room.  Cried when I left and chewed the dad out for impregnating me another time 19 years ago, so that I would have to go through that.  

- Blue Eyes has a talk radio show on KUGR (Cougar) radio on Thursdays from 8-10p.  We missed the first round 2 weeks ago and when I got home from a long day last Thursday, The Dad had the computer booted up to the website for us to listen and tho' at first, I sighed a heavy sigh thinking I would listen to a little, but have so much to do...  I listened to the entire thing and he was so frickin' awesome that I stayed put in an uncomfortable chair at the table the entire time, tweeting and texting friends, family etc to listen in.  So proud.

- My sons read about my parents divorce on The Bookface.  Why?  Because even though the parents and I have not communicated as of late, due to yet more dysfunction - they decided that because of that - they need not inform us.  <sigh>  The only (local) grandparents my kids have left and have had as a couple for their entire lives and they read about it on The Bookface.  Neat.

- #7 had a kick ass game this weekend.  A fake FG attempt for my former QB - turns into an 18 yard completion for him (was a TD, called back due to a foot out of bounds) but it got the first down and we were screaming.  Correction... I was screaming!  And I screamed again when he got his first interception of the season.  AND tonight he will be on the Coaches Show out at Northern Quest to recap some of the game.  

- I began "The Gutting" part 3 yesterday.  T-shirts out of drawers that haven't been worn since 5th grade, socks that don't match up in Wacks dresser, washed all of the bedding, tried to figure out if any of the 3 xbox's in his room work or are just there for decoration. 

There's more but my lunch is only so long and I have to get gas in Black Betty before I head back in so that she's full to get us out to the coaches show tonight.

I'm not settled into the silence and if I let myself think about it too much, I choke up and want to cry.  I know that this is what we work for and I am so proud that my boys have done the things they've done and do, and am thankful that they have gotten to where they want to be at this point.  Selfishly, I want to pull around the corner, see Zach's truck on the street and feel good knowing he's home safe and sound.  Instead, I pull around the corner and now only get to wish it was gone until 5:30pm or so, when it would pull up, a young man would bound up the steps, walk in, ask what's for dinner and then disappear downstairs where music would blare until dinner was ready.  

Unfortunately for The Dad... there's not going to be any naked walking around the house until I can grasp the quiet.  Well, not by me anyhow.  He's been doing it for ages.

An Empty Room, A Full Day

The last "child" bedroom is empty.  Filled only with the sound of silence and maybe at times, with a dog on the empty bed.

I didn't cry when I dropped off #7 or Blue Eyes at college on their first year - but it's hard to cry when you see your kids so very excited and happy to start their next phase.  Then it hit me... when I dropped them off, there was still another one here at home.  Someone who needed me to cook and clean and just "be" here for.  This time - that's not the case.  This is the first weekend without Wack bounding up the stairs every once in a while for snacks or dinner or heading out in the GMC to hang with the fellas.  So today - I cried.

More on that later.  Like, a completely later date.  Just writing it here still makes me want to cry.

So today we followed the WSU Football game on Twitter - only to watch them lose 35-34 in the final minutes.  This is a game the Cougs were supposed  to win hands down.  It was supposed to be a B.I.G. win.  When they lost I wanted to text Blue Eyes immediately, but also knew full well - that he would need some time to start to accept it before I tried to talk to or text him.  He said this is one he'll never forget.  Aaawwwweee man.  What a bum deal!

In other exciting news where ole Blue Eyes is concerned... Heck, I'll write about that tomorrow.

I'm emotionally beat and I need to go find my ipod so that I can fall asleep with music in my ears... the quiet is deafening.

If you're on Twitter then  you'll understand this:  So far #emptynestbites

I Can Bring Home The Bacon...

Fry it up in a pan...

And even though I can do that - I'm finding myself feeling jealous that The Dad gets to be home.  I know that, given the choice, he would still be driving out to Liberty Lake every day working for a company he loved, loved the people at, believed in... oh... and paid him a bi-weekly paycheck.

I can usually come up with some projects for him to finish (small things:  clean furnace filters, pick up dog poop, mow lawn, DON'T DARE TOUCH THE LAUNDRY, drop off dry cleaning, go to Costco, give the dogs a bath) when he's not working on resumes, online applications and networking.

And he's pretty good about giving me that look that that a 16 year old would give if you asked them to do a chore when they just really don't want to.  But I'm finding it easier to not get worked up when he does that.  

After all - it was me that fought this whole empty nest thing, tooth and nail.  So, if I've got a 44 year old acting like a kid, well then... I should be happy with that, yes?

Maybe not so much.  At least not all of the time.

Good news is it's football season and now that I'm working from 8 to 5 (instead of not working in the fall or working 8:15 to 3:30, when I was in the school district) I can have him go get all of the "supplies", food, accouterments, etc that are needed for our tailgates. So there's that.  

The trick is going to be to "learn him" how to cook.  My master plan is to get him back to bringing home the bacon for ME to fry up in the pan.  Rather, my WANTING to fry it up in a pan!

So if you're looking for a phenomenal I.T. Manager/Project Manager, The Dad is your guy!  

Everything Happens For A Reason

Uncle Erick got frustrated with the Seahawks after game 1 of the season and gave up his tickets for the game on Sunday.  Unbeknownst that his team would then go on to win.  He then became lead "BBQ Master" on a hot day.

Uncle John drove up to Vancouver B.C. to catch a flight to Japan - and when he arrived, found out the plane was overbooked and he would not be going to Japan that morning after all.  He drove back, knowing there was a reason this flight was overbooked, even though he'd arrived "on time".

A drive to parts of Washington never seen before... showed us an adorable green frog who has made her home around a very special headstone.  She was not afraid of the visitors and let them come near to her.  

A most amazing visit with a most amazing Paige on a bench, in a garden, under a peace sign with a name engraved on it.

Uncle Jeff took a long pause to remind me "why" and because of that - an opportunity arose that would not have otherwise.

More t-shirts with trees on more people in one location at one time...  and all along I knew...

You're still changing the world.

Remember....

Simba: "We'll always be together, right?" 

Mufasa: "Simba, let me tell you something my father told me. Look at the stars, the great kings of the past are up there, watching over us." 
Simba: "Really?"

Mufasa: "Yes. So whenever you feel alone just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you and so will I."

Or in this case... the fairest of them all.  Miss Sarah Frances Baisden.

Life

This morning, when the dogs woke us up for their first favorite meal of the day, I rolled over while The Dad went down to feed them - feeling, for once in a blue moon, HAPPY that it's Friday.  I'm shopping with The Dad and Zach Attack tonight for some of the necessities he will need at the Fiji House which has come upon us all too fast.  I've been at peace for a few weeks now with many aspects of my life - my biggest concern it seems, as of late, is being able to stay upright on the bike.  Wipeout #2 gave me an awesome chain cut in my right leg this time.  Warrior wound sounds better.

But this morning, when I rolled over to grab my Siri-less iPhone (upgrade date is for one week after my birthday - yeee hawww) I found this in my email from my mom:

LIFE by Cynthia Occelli

Tonight, draw the line.

However painful or wonderful your past was, it is over. Only vaporous memories remain.

Memories, like all of life's experiences, have no inherent meaning.

A rainstorm is a gift to the farmer and a curse to a bride marrying outside; It has no inherent meaning.

What meaning have you assigned to your past? 

Whatever the meaning is, it isn't a truth. It's a belief.

If you are holding on to memories that cause you to think or feel poorly about yourself, draw a line across an imaginary calendar and release the meanings you've assigned it. 

The past offers only two benefits: 1) the pleasant memories we choose to retain; and 2) the lessons we've learned. Be very clear, anything outside of this is you behaving badly toward yourself, and perhaps to others, and to life. Let it go.

You presently have the power to lighten your load, by surrendering the past, forgiving yourself, and resolving to begin again.

Seize it.

Tonight, I let go of the meanings I assigned to the past. I hold fast to every good memory and embrace the wisdom and lessons I've learned. I will no longer abuse, limit, or criticize myself for what is behind me. I turn to the present and walk in power and grace.

Sweet dreams.

She bolded the parts she feels apply to me.  She thinks I'm holding on to things from my past - and surely I am.  Just not what she thinks I am holding on to.  A few weeks ago, I didn't do something and yet somehow what I didn't do became my fault.  Yada yada yada. I wrote about it... much like I wrote about how it felt like my step dad was accusing me when I called to give him Tammy's number on September 17th, 2011.  Like I was making something up.  Which I wasn't.  It was at this point, after all of the times I haven't, wasn't, didn't care to be the "instigator" but still was perceived as such - that, God only knows how... I let it go.

Yes I wrote about it - because it is/was a part of my past.  But I'm not dwelling on it still.  It is what it is.  The irony behind my mother sending me this is...  that while I have let it go, which in turn, for my health, meant letting go-go...  it is the others, "them"  that have not let go.

Of MY past.  

An Unwelcome Anniversary On The Horizon

It happens every day.  Someone loses someone they love.  The hope is that each and every one of us will lead a long life like so many before us.  But that's not always the case.

It wasn't the case on Friday, September 16th, 2011.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff, myself, Zach, his buddy and a family friend were in the car early on September 17th.  We were headed to Missoula for the huge rivalry game between #7's EWU Eagles and Montana of course.

I was the sole female in the car and volunteered to sit in the way back.  Not my style, but it made sense for the trip.  I had my nano, phone and a book.  We crossed into Montana when at 8:06:01 my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number, but answered -  only to be cut off as we were not in a "good" spot cell wise.  I tried calling the number back only for it to drop so gave in and sent a text: "In the car, out of range, keep getting cut off."  

After getting over the pass I had a message.  

"Hi Kathleen, this is Jovana, um I'm Susan's niece.  If you could just give us a call back at this number XXX-XXX-XXXX as soon as possible.  And again this is Jovana."

So I called back and didn't get anyone, so left a message.  We winded this and that and we came upon a straightaway and I noticed I had another message.  My phone had not rung, buzzed or vibrated, so had obviously been out of range again.

"Hi Kathleen.  This is Tammy, returning your call.  If you could just give me a call as soon as you get this uhh it's kind of important.  So if you could return it again, this is Tammy. Rob Baisdens sister in law, Susan's ex sister in law - so if you'd give me a call, I'd appreciate it."

At this point I began to get worried.  My first and only thought was that my sisters ex husband had suffered another heart attack.  He had had two major heart attacks and the fact that two people I hadn't talked to in years were calling me, my thoughts weren't clear, it was puzzling, but this was what was on my mind.  I called back.

Girl:  "Hello"  (Not sure which niece I'm talking to at this point.)

Me:  "Hi.  This is Kathleen."

Girl:  "Oh hi.  Umm, I'm going to give the phone to my aunt". (Probably Jovana)

Tammy:  "Hi Kathleen.  This is Tammy."

(many voices in the background)

Tammy: "I'm calling because I've got some bad news and we need you to go tell Susan and Katie and be with them."

(My heart was already beating fast, but it started to beat faster at this point.  I knew what was coming.  Oh no.  Oh no.)

Tammy: (continues) "There was an accident last night."

(Oh... okay.  An accident.  That's not so bad. Right?)

Tammy:  "Sarah had gone shopping at the mall with her cousin and friends and was coming home from a comedy show and there was a bad accident.  She didn't make it."

Me:  "What?"

Tammy: "We need you to go be with Susan and Katie so they don't hear it on facebook or texts or anywhere else."

Me:  "What?  Fuck. What?  No.  No.  What? No.  Sarah?  No.  Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What!?!?!??"

 

(The messages are still on my phone.  Time stamp, date, voices.)

Tammy went on to tell me that they were taking care of Rob (Sarah's dad) and that there was no alcohol involved (on Sarah's part).  She wanted to make sure that someone was with Susan and Katie when this news was relayed.  All the while I kept saying "What?  No. What?"  

I knew I wasn't the right person.  My sister harbors all sorts of resentment and anger towards me as it is - so were I the person to give this news, this horrific, unbelievable, so very very wrong news, well, it would be the next worse thing.  Jeff pulled over on the side of the highway because I couldn't sit. He didn't know what I'd just heard but he knew my reaction was to something not good.  Something wasn't right.  I motioned to pull over.  Get me out.  Get me out.  I don't care if we're on the highway.  PULL OVER.  I got out and ran into the field.  I didn't just hear this.  I couldn't help my sister.  Rob.  Katie.  I couldn't do anything because I was in freaking Montana!

I remember each and every moment and aspect of that day.  I was in a car with my youngest son who had no idea what I was freaking out about.  Why I couldn't breathe.  He thought I'd just heard something had happened to one of his brothers.  You see, I react before I process... so this makes his thought valid.  

Jeff called my stepdad and told him and told him they needed to go give this awful news.   Known as the "instigator" in the family, my stepdad asked for Tammys phone number.  I felt like he thought I was lying.  Like I was doing this to start something.  Which was bewildering to me and shocking and sad that he thought I was saying something so horrible, awful, (and true) - as if it were some tactic to hurt someone.  But that was the tone.  I know it well from my past.

I hadn't talked to my dad in ages and had to try to remember his phone number.  I heard the surprise in my brother-in-law Steves' voice when he answered, I stated who it was and asked to speak to my dad.  My dads' hearing isn't great, but he heard what I said.  They were on the next plane.  Knowing this - we made the decision to continue on to Little Jeffs game.  After all, #7 and his teammates have phones, The Bookface and many of them knew Sarah - as she had just spent two years at EWU.

I called my brother and his wife to let them know.  

And then I sat numb all the way to Missoula.  I didn't leave my seat at halftime.  I watched Jeffrey intently - willing that he and his EWU teammates wouldn't get on facebook on their phones as soon as the game was over and see the news.  We had to be the one to tell him.  Ryan was at a retreat with Suze and phones were not on.  We left him a message to call once he could.  We were home by the time he and Suzanne received our text messages telling him to call.  

When Jeff told Jeffrey - our big boy faltered backward... I can see the look on his face plain as day.  He caught his breath and asked "was he drunk" (the asshole that killed her).  "We don't know yet, but it sounds like it."  Some hugs, tears, a hung head, and to the bus he went. 

When RyMan finally called - The Dad told him to pull over.  Ryan and Suzanne, on their way back to Pullman from their out of town retreat, bypassed Pullman and came straight home to Spokane. Do not pass go. Jeffrey arrived in Cheney and instead of drowning out his sorrows from his losses that day - he drove straight home.  He beat us here as we drove straight to see my sister and Sarah's sister, Katie.

It's almost 12 months later and this still doesn't make sense. I sit and watch my TV shows, go to Starbucks every day, work, go to the store and sometimes while I'm in the car, when I look at the button with her picture on it, that sits where I can see it every time I'm in the car - I wonder when we are all going to wake up from this nightmare and this will have just been an awful, awful, nightmare. 

They say tragedies like this are supposed to bring people together.  To help all that was bad and wrong in relationships - that "we" as a people find ways to dig out, heal and align themselves back up. (See 9/11)  I hoped this might be the case for my sister and I - but it was not to be.  Her hurt runs deep and not just from this loss.  There's nothing I can do to help mend the fences, nothing that I can do to help take away her pain.  Christmas card and gifts sent for them to Phoenix where they spent that first dreaded Christmas without Sarah, a Mothers Day card, a Valentines Starbucks... a note in email saying "lets fix this" are all met with silence.  And that's okay.  It is.  I recently made peace with what can't change in my dysfunctional family...  doesn't mean it's not a sad shame. 

I have wondered if...  this was "Gods Will".  That for some ridiculous, idiotic, out of this world reason, this was part of something He wanted fixed and knew she was the only one that could make that happen.  I wonder if "He" thought she was the only one that could stop Justin Vance.  I would like to believe she is watching over everyone she knows and helping them to make good choices, remember, love, heal and work at things we need to work on.  A part of me is scared, that, like in the movies, the time will come when she is told it's time to watch over others.  That she's done all she could do for us.

Of all the words of tongue and pen... there are no sadder words than
~What might have been.

John Greenleaf Whittier

Jeff, Britt, Alli, SARAH, Ryan
(not pictured, Katie, Zach)

SFB 12/3/1990 ~ 9/16/2011 

Justin Vance, 24, had been arrested for driving under the influence, speeding, wreckless driving and so on, 2 months prior to this accident that took my nieces life. A father and a mother lost their daughter.  A girl lost her big sister.  Grandparents and cousins who were like sisters...  a community lost a shining star.  The accident took Justin too.  He had 34 prior arrests.  He was continually given suspended sentences.  He did not have a license due to his previous arrests.  He was driving his girlfriends car.  She did not have insurance.  If you ask me, Justin got off easy. 

The Alarm Went Off On Just Another Day

The alarm went off 11 years ago.  I rolled over to turn it off and remember the Breakfast Boys talking about a plane hitting one of the Twin Towers.  The Dad sort of hit me to hit the snooze button - which I did.  But what I did next was immediately crawl over him for the control for the TV we had in our bedroom.  He didn't awaken.  I turned on the t.v. and  nudged him.

I nudged him again. 

We sat and we watched.  The minutes dragged on... on on... I can't begin to imagine how slowly the seconds passed for those directly affected by the attack on our nation.

I'm not sure at what moment we realized this was going to be historic.  Awful historic.  But historic and thought the boys should watch... we pulled them into our room and we all watched.  But unlike us, sitting, watching, in shock and awe - the boys wanted their cheerios and to get ready for school.  Which they did.

I sat there for half of the day just watching the television.  The Dad left for work later than usual.  There seemed to be a sense of holding on to our nucleus.  Who knew what might happen next?

It's 11 years later...  there are 10 and 11 year olds without their dad.  Moms without their sons and daughters.  Fathers without sons and wives.  Wives and husbands without the loves of their lives.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends...  

My Zach Attack found this on youtube today and I think it's a good watch.  

The show must go on.  The show... that is "life".  

The Voice Is Back! Yesssssss!

I was not a huge Maroon 5 fan until after we watched "The Voice" last year.  Watching Adam Levine "coach", the personality, his advice... man, he grew on me and now I love him.  Love him as a solo artist AND in Maroon 5.  Love his tattoos, his his hair, his arms... <sigh>.  I'm nearly 43 and got a crush on him like I did on C. Thomas Howell when I was 14.  Gads!

Christina (and the twins), which is what The Dad calls her... usually has some good stuff to offer up and I love how spirited she is.

Blake - good lord.  Listen to him talk.  He's just freakin' adorable!  And so is his wife.  I can't even speak inappropriately about him because they are so perfectly perfect.  

Cee Lo, C-Lo?  And his cat.  Oh no wait!  It's a freaking peach colored BIRD this year!!  He drives me nutty.  I don't get him.  At.  All.

But it's on and I'm having trouble concentrating on this and the show.  Sorry folks.  Priorities!

A Saturday Game In Pullman - One Year Later

We were given tickets for #7's game in Section 5, Row A, Seats 3 & 4.  Right.  Behind.  Our.  Team.  Sure we were amongst ALL WSU Cougar fans - but the internal struggle of whether to sit with the other EWU fans or in these really great seats (in the shade) only took polling the boys and the one answer we got back "Do it ma." was all it took to take the offer.

A few days prior to the game that almost was, I remembered that Sarah had been down to Pullman the year before and took in the first home game of the year down there.  A hot, sunny, Saturday and one of the Cougs 4 wins last year.  I had The Dad log on to The Bookface so I could find this:

Sarah Baisden

Dear Amanda White, Rob Phibbs, Dylan King, Patrick Stolz, Hayley Larson, and all my other WSU favorites, this is your 24 hr notice that I will be there in my party clothes aaaaaall weekend. Let the memories begin! :)

Yesterday was the home opener of 2012.  It was hot.  And in the back of my mind throughout the day was "Sarah was here last year.  On this day."  (Not exact date, but exact weekend.)  She went to make memories with her friends.  Little did they all know, that when she pulled out after that weekend - those would be the last memories they would get to make with her, and she them.

I remember her dad telling me that Sarah had told him dad she was going to Pullman and had announced it several hours before she was going to take off.  She had let him know that she had the morning off on Monday at work, though would be back before she was to take a shift at work.  I remember sending Blue Eyes a text to be on the lookout for her.  I figured it wasn't like they would bump into each other, but I hoped.  

I remember after September 16, 2011 - thinking that her unplanned, spontaneous trip - was someone else's "plan" to let her say "goodbye".  I don't know how much I believe in the father, the son, the holy ghost and all of the stories in The Bible... but I do believe there are no coincidences, and that there often times, does appear to be something greater out there, working.  Sometimes I think that "presence" fucks up.  I'm pretty sure that was the case with Sarah and my Uncle Doug.  

But as unimaginable as how Sarah left us - and as awful as it was... as it is...  I believe that "the presence" allowed her friends the "present" of that final visit.  I believe that "the presence" gave her that dinner with her dad that gave her their last, great conversation and understanding.  The visit with her sister and mom during that Pullman weekend away. The shopping date and comedy show with her cousin - part of a trio they were.

I tried to put the spin on yesterdays game due to my vantage point.  That something seemed off during the game due to where we were sitting.  I cheered a few times, but mostly sat and took in the scenery, the noises, the student section.  I beamed with pride at seeing #7 out there with his locks, and often looked up behind me at the press box for a glimpse of Sarah's other cousin, Blue Eyes - working and dressed for success.  I know she was there with her friends and on this day - her cousins.  

Saturday, September 10, 2011

If Empty Nesting Is Anything Like Riding A Bike...

Then I may very well buy training wheels (chardonnay).  The best "training wheels" (chardonnay) money can buy!

In Vancouver we rode 13.6 miles with E & T.  We followed that up on Tuesday with a short 5 miler... Got a late start in the morning and - to be honest, I haven't been on a bike since I was TWELVE so riding down the Palouse Highway that morning - a day after crashing down... was a bit unnerving.  So we bickered a little.

Day 3 found us on the Fish Trap trail - 7 miles out to Marshall and 7 miles back.  14.1 miles...  Improvement.  Gradual climb, easy trail... but the bumps killed my rear as it continues to get "used" to this saddle.  Fast forward to last night... 

We get to the trail, we get going on our bikes and about 2.5 miles in, The Dad says "Hey, if you get behind me you can draft and it will be easier."
 

I don't want, nor do I NEED easier right now.  I NEED to get comfortable on a bike, be able to move my hands without feeling like I might crash, stand up while I'm coasting or even to peddle - but it's been 4 days after a 30 year absence.  Just not ready to pretend I'm a bike racer.  So I said a few choice words and he rode on.

Ever since I tore my achilles the second time - I'm still skittish with people, kids, shopping carts (and now bikes) behind me.  If they come up behind me, not so much... but if I KNOW he or someone is riding behind me - it's NOT comforting.  So I pretty much demand he ride on ahead.  He asks if I mind if he speeds up on ahead of me. 

No. Fine.  Please do.

En route back to the car with about 2.5 miles to go he slows down a bit so he's not 40 yards ahead of me and then pops this question:  "Do you want to go faster for a bit?"

With the hair now standing up on the back of my head, a self induced hot flash, due to anger begins to surface.  At 14 miles per hour, I'm not disappointed with this.  I don't want to draft behind him and let me see... ITS ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS!!!!  I'll speed on my bike when I'm ready to "go fast" on my bike.  But it's not like I was riding along like a 73 year old grandma either. 

So this whole new activity for us to do when Wack leaves in two weeks isn't starting out with a bang.  Or wait, maybe it is.



I Haven't Told The Dad Yet....

But I've put in an order for 41 more "Boones".

Watch:

13.7... to 14.1

Miles.

In Vancouver - the day I bit it... we rode 13.7 miles.  The following day we rode about 5 but we got up too late to map out a ride, I had to get to work and my ars was still so (*&%ing sore, bike shorts and all.

Today we made it 7 miles out and truth be told, I could have kept going.  Unfortunately the sun was going down and I knew I didn't want to be out riding when it got dark.  We improved.  I improved... pretty sure I'm slowing The Dad down though.

So yesterday when I posted about the weekend in Vancouver and my first time hitting the pavement... I got this fun little response:

And it made my butt feel better.

But then - knowing tomorrow is Thursday and getting me that much closer to the next EWU football game... that's helping me "heal" as well.

Let's go!

Wipe Out!

We left for Vancouver, WA on Saturday morning.  It was the first day of the rest of The Dads' life, what with being the day after his last day working for Family Home Care as the Vice President of Information Technology.  For those who don't know, Family Home Cares' owner sold the company to Gentiva.  We've known since July 23rd this his last day would be August 31st, though were not at liberty to discuss it.  He had grown the IT department there from him being a sole IT consultant, to employee, to supervisor over 1 employee, manager to 3 employees and finally the VP with a manager and several guys under him in 7 years.  And it came to an end.  Sadly.

So we needed to get out of town and escape the madness of it all and were running out of times when we could do that what with #7's games on the weekends.  So off we went. #7 in Cheney, Blue Eyes in Seattle for Mariners games and then back to Pullman and Wack chillin' here with Jack, Dan and Boone.  

Two things were motivating us to take this trip.  One - we miss our family.  Terribly.  Two - we are NOT going to be the "fat" relatives at the Turkey Bowl this year!  So we were ready to take a plunge!

What does a trip to Vancouver have to do with that? you might ask.  Well... my big brother and best sister in law are bike riders.  When they lived here in The Can, we all worked out together every morning and then stopped at Starbucks to sit and chat.  Then they left and while we've continued to work out since they left - the motivation and pushing each other was gone.  Jeff needed his "work out buddy" back.  I needed a different workout to maintain my new ovary-less self and all that comes with that - other than hot flashes!

They've been telling us for a few years now we have to get bikes.  And we have "yeah yeah'd" it thinking that his racquetball and my running, aerobics, walking, etc was enough. And it was.  But now Wack is moving to Seattle in mere days to attend the University of Washington, games are ONLY on Saturdays and the rest of the week... there's going to be that "after work, don't really want to fix dinner, what the eff are we going to do?" time.  AND, after this last year of football for #7 - well, crikey... then there's just "the nothing".  But "the nothing" doesn't sit well with me...  so there has to be "something".  

BIKES!  Bikes was the answer. Orrrr.... is it?

My knowledgeable brother took us to one shop in Portland where we looked, he asked, we drooled a little due to not really understanding how bikes work anymore, we rode one each and started pretending we were understanding.  Okay, let me back up... not actually how they work, but how we "work" them and their gadgets!  That store was a start but then it was on to River City Bicycles where there were more than a dozen employees helping more than 2 dozen people, groups... families!  It was chaos but oh so fun!  Jeff and I rode many bikes and the bike I knew I would NOT get because of it's ugly ass colors was, as T put it... the bike I would end up loving - NOT!  We looked at shoes, pedals, butt butter (yes, for real), helmets, gloves, socks... and so on.

We were set... holy crap! 

We got back home to their house and started making dinner.  We'd been gone for hours!  Jeff and I were tired from riding up and down streets we have no idea their names or how to find our way back.  It was a hot day in Portland and we weren't as prepared as we should have been to take that on.  I can remember E saying something like "Don't you want to go for a ride?" while we were making dinner.  He was like a little kid wanting to show us the world he ventured out into a few years ago and show it off.  "Tomorrow before we leave" we say and that was that.

Bag of ice to forehead helps with hotflashes while making tacos!

Tacos. Drinks. Sequence or... SQUENCE (if you read the inside of the box) and then bed.  

730 in the morning  we are all up and getting ready to go.  I am nervous because nowadays biking shoes/cleats have "clips" installed on them so you can clip/lock onto your pedals.  There's no more of this little toe cage kind of thing... So I was nervous because in all of our test driving the day before, that was NOT part of it.  We practiced just standing there locking and unlocking our feet from the pedals and off we went.  We weren't a mile away when we came to a main arterial and E and The Dad crossed.  I wasn't yet prepared so Tam stayed behind with me.  There's this little tidbit of information you need to know when one foot is still locked while the other one is on the ground ready to push off.

The Dad, self, my sis Tam, my big bro Erick.

The still-clipped foot needs to be up so you can start to pedal and build momentum while getting the other foot clipped in.  Uh... yah.  So my left foot was clipped in and down, I push off... and WHAM!  I bit it.  No momentum, feet clipped and down she goes!  I have a beautiful baseball sized bruise on my knee and apparently a rock was on the ground by my hip...  as there's a new "beauty mark" there.  The gloves spared my hands from being scraped but my left hand is pretty sore.  Yep.  Right there on a main arterial.  Most excellent!  

The good news is - I know no one in Vancouver other than my brother, his wife and my nieces.  So the people that drove by while I was on the ground... well, they got a good laugh and I'm all good with that.  I hopped back up on the bike, made it across and rode BEHIND them all for the next 13.7 miles.  Here's the great news - my crash is out of the way and I know... knowing The Dad... that when his time comes, it will be glorious!  

Oh yeah... and I got the ugly ass bike I swore I wouldn't get.  She was right... the color didn't matter once I rode it.