It happens every day. Someone loses someone they love. The hope is that each and every one of us will lead a long life like so many before us. But that's not always the case.
It wasn't the case on Friday, September 16th, 2011.
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Jeff, myself, Zach, his buddy and a family friend were in the car early on September 17th. We were headed to Missoula for the huge rivalry game between #7's EWU Eagles and Montana of course.
I was the sole female in the car and volunteered to sit in the way back. Not my style, but it made sense for the trip. I had my nano, phone and a book. We crossed into Montana when at 8:06:01 my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but answered - only to be cut off as we were not in a "good" spot cell wise. I tried calling the number back only for it to drop so gave in and sent a text: "In the car, out of range, keep getting cut off."
After getting over the pass I had a message.
"Hi Kathleen, this is Jovana, um I'm Susan's niece. If you could just give us a call back at this number XXX-XXX-XXXX as soon as possible. And again this is Jovana."
So I called back and didn't get anyone, so left a message. We winded this and that and we came upon a straightaway and I noticed I had another message. My phone had not rung, buzzed or vibrated, so had obviously been out of range again.
"Hi Kathleen. This is Tammy, returning your call. If you could just give me a call as soon as you get this uhh it's kind of important. So if you could return it again, this is Tammy. Rob Baisdens sister in law, Susan's ex sister in law - so if you'd give me a call, I'd appreciate it."
At this point I began to get worried. My first and only thought was that my sisters ex husband had suffered another heart attack. He had had two major heart attacks and the fact that two people I hadn't talked to in years were calling me, my thoughts weren't clear, it was puzzling, but this was what was on my mind. I called back.
Girl: "Hello" (Not sure which niece I'm talking to at this point.)
Me: "Hi. This is Kathleen."
Girl: "Oh hi. Umm, I'm going to give the phone to my aunt". (Probably Jovana)
Tammy: "Hi Kathleen. This is Tammy."
(many voices in the background)
Tammy: "I'm calling because I've got some bad news and we need you to go tell Susan and Katie and be with them."
(My heart was already beating fast, but it started to beat faster at this point. I knew what was coming. Oh no. Oh no.)
Tammy: (continues) "There was an accident last night."
(Oh... okay. An accident. That's not so bad. Right?)
Tammy: "Sarah had gone shopping at the mall with her cousin and friends and was coming home from a comedy show and there was a bad accident. She didn't make it."
Me: "What?"
Tammy: "We need you to go be with Susan and Katie so they don't hear it on facebook or texts or anywhere else."
Me: "What? Fuck. What? No. No. What? No. Sarah? No. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What!?!?!??"
Tammy went on to tell me that they were taking care of Rob (Sarah's dad) and that there was no alcohol involved (on Sarah's part). She wanted to make sure that someone was with Susan and Katie when this news was relayed. All the while I kept saying "What? No. What?"
I knew I wasn't the right person. My sister harbors all sorts of resentment and anger towards me as it is - so were I the person to give this news, this horrific, unbelievable, so very very wrong news, well, it would be the next worse thing. Jeff pulled over on the side of the highway because I couldn't sit. He didn't know what I'd just heard but he knew my reaction was to something not good. Something wasn't right. I motioned to pull over. Get me out. Get me out. I don't care if we're on the highway. PULL OVER. I got out and ran into the field. I didn't just hear this. I couldn't help my sister. Rob. Katie. I couldn't do anything because I was in freaking Montana!
I remember each and every moment and aspect of that day. I was in a car with my youngest son who had no idea what I was freaking out about. Why I couldn't breathe. He thought I'd just heard something had happened to one of his brothers. You see, I react before I process... so this makes his thought valid.
Jeff called my stepdad and told him and told him they needed to go give this awful news. Known as the "instigator" in the family, my stepdad asked for Tammys phone number. I felt like he thought I was lying. Like I was doing this to start something. Which was bewildering to me and shocking and sad that he thought I was saying something so horrible, awful, (and true) - as if it were some tactic to hurt someone. But that was the tone. I know it well from my past.
I hadn't talked to my dad in ages and had to try to remember his phone number. I heard the surprise in my brother-in-law Steves' voice when he answered, I stated who it was and asked to speak to my dad. My dads' hearing isn't great, but he heard what I said. They were on the next plane. Knowing this - we made the decision to continue on to Little Jeffs game. After all, #7 and his teammates have phones, The Bookface and many of them knew Sarah - as she had just spent two years at EWU.
I called my brother and his wife to let them know.
And then I sat numb all the way to Missoula. I didn't leave my seat at halftime. I watched Jeffrey intently - willing that he and his EWU teammates wouldn't get on facebook on their phones as soon as the game was over and see the news. We had to be the one to tell him. Ryan was at a retreat with Suze and phones were not on. We left him a message to call once he could. We were home by the time he and Suzanne received our text messages telling him to call.
When Jeff told Jeffrey - our big boy faltered backward... I can see the look on his face plain as day. He caught his breath and asked "was he drunk" (the asshole that killed her). "We don't know yet, but it sounds like it." Some hugs, tears, a hung head, and to the bus he went.
When RyMan finally called - The Dad told him to pull over. Ryan and Suzanne, on their way back to Pullman from their out of town retreat, bypassed Pullman and came straight home to Spokane. Do not pass go. Jeffrey arrived in Cheney and instead of drowning out his sorrows from his losses that day - he drove straight home. He beat us here as we drove straight to see my sister and Sarah's sister, Katie.
It's almost 12 months later and this still doesn't make sense. I sit and watch my TV shows, go to Starbucks every day, work, go to the store and sometimes while I'm in the car, when I look at the button with her picture on it, that sits where I can see it every time I'm in the car - I wonder when we are all going to wake up from this nightmare and this will have just been an awful, awful, nightmare.
They say tragedies like this are supposed to bring people together. To help all that was bad and wrong in relationships - that "we" as a people find ways to dig out, heal and align themselves back up. (See 9/11) I hoped this might be the case for my sister and I - but it was not to be. Her hurt runs deep and not just from this loss. There's nothing I can do to help mend the fences, nothing that I can do to help take away her pain. Christmas card and gifts sent for them to Phoenix where they spent that first dreaded Christmas without Sarah, a Mothers Day card, a Valentines Starbucks... a note in email saying "lets fix this" are all met with silence. And that's okay. It is. I recently made peace with what can't change in my dysfunctional family... doesn't mean it's not a sad shame.
I have wondered if... this was "Gods Will". That for some ridiculous, idiotic, out of this world reason, this was part of something He wanted fixed and knew she was the only one that could make that happen. I wonder if "He" thought she was the only one that could stop Justin Vance. I would like to believe she is watching over everyone she knows and helping them to make good choices, remember, love, heal and work at things we need to work on. A part of me is scared, that, like in the movies, the time will come when she is told it's time to watch over others. That she's done all she could do for us.
Of all the words of tongue and pen... there are no sadder words than
~What might have been.
I have wondered if... this was "Gods Will". That for some ridiculous, idiotic, out of this world reason, this was part of something He wanted fixed and knew she was the only one that could make that happen. I wonder if "He" thought she was the only one that could stop Justin Vance. I would like to believe she is watching over everyone she knows and helping them to make good choices, remember, love, heal and work at things we need to work on. A part of me is scared, that, like in the movies, the time will come when she is told it's time to watch over others. That she's done all she could do for us.
Of all the words of tongue and pen... there are no sadder words than
~What might have been.
John Greenleaf Whittier
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| Jeff, Britt, Alli, SARAH, Ryan (not pictured, Katie, Zach) |
SFB 12/3/1990 ~ 9/16/2011
Justin Vance, 24, had been arrested for driving under the influence, speeding, wreckless driving and so on, 2 months prior to this accident that took my nieces life. A father and a mother lost their daughter. A girl lost her big sister. Grandparents and cousins who were like sisters... a community lost a shining star. The accident took Justin too. He had 34 prior arrests. He was continually given suspended sentences. He did not have a license due to his previous arrests. He was driving his girlfriends car. She did not have insurance. If you ask me, Justin got off easy.
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