The Last Time

We ate at that little mexican place out in Airway Heights the last time I saw and talked to you.  

I dreamt about that last night and I didn't wonder why this morning when I woke up.  I always know when the 16th is coming around.  

As I sit here typing this right now - it's not today - 10 months that I'm fighting back the tears with.  It's 12 months.  I've spent so many days in the past 10 months regretting that I couldn't do anything to change your opinion of me and your uncle. Well, me - but then it affected your relationships with Uncle Jeff and your cousins who miss you so much.  You know there was no changing ones' mind.  I've spent that time wishing that the terrible, the horrible could have, should have changed or at least given hope that it might change - what led you to take on those thoughts and opinions in the first place.  Family dysfunction at it's absolute worst it is - and I hate to tell you - no chance for change.  You thought it was bad and pointless when you were here... if anything, it's ridiculously worse.  But not for lack of trying. But then you know that.

And so now it has to be that I look forward - but looking ahead isn't much better.  It's 60 days of knowing that none of us are ever waking up from this.  Ever.  That this is forever.  That we have to learn to get to September 16th every... single... year - that we are here.  Without you.

And that *&^&%%$()!! sucks.

I believe you're doing your best to keep everyone going on - on the path they were intended or trying to help others find a better path than they were or are on.  It won't always work - unfortunately.  But you know this too.

I think of that scene at the end of "Phenomenon" where everyone comes together some time after George Malley dies - and change has happened.  And it was because of him.  And they are celebrating.  You deserve that...  

As always - I'm forever sorry.  Love and miss you and what could have... should have been every day of the rest of my life.