I woke up on Tuesday morning, April 10th and from the time my eyes opened - I was thinking about Sarah. At the club, getting ready for work, driving to work and starting out my work day. I usually manage to bury myself in work - especially after the Cabo trip and still making all of the program changes! (Which I finished today, just in time for two more to come across - Ugh!). I left work early yesterday to head out to Shadle Park to watch Zach's tennis match and as I drove across the Maple Street bridge she was back. From that moment, through Zach's match until I got home. I can't put my finger on it, and couldn't at the time - but driving back across the bridge I started to cry. I cried as the train passed over me at 2nd Avenue, under the overpass, along 4th to Monroe, up Monroe where hitting one of the dips in the hill I vividly remembered being in my dads' jeep and taking the hill with him and the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach, though briefly, past Rosauers on 14th, past Wilson Elementary where I passed a policeman and decided, I better shape up. I remembered each bump in the road, felt the sun, remember the butterflies and all the while - couldn't pry or cry away the thought that Sarah didn't have a chance that night. And I found myself wondering if she was singing at the top of her lungs as she drove the Mt. Baker Highway that night. I winced at the memory of the phone call that morning as we had just crossed into Montana. I imagined the panic and worry of her cousin when she knew there was an accident and couldn't get Sarah on her cell. I knew that it was fate that I was in Montana - and could not be the one to tell my sister, Sarah's mom, the news that had just come through my line.
I walked in the house and Jeff could tell I'd been crying and asked why. So I told him. He asked if maybe I should call Rob, Sarah's dad - and I shook my head no. The last thing I wanted to do was bring someone down with my unexplained day of such vivid thoughts and memories. This is not, of course the only time I think about her. I think about her every single day - as the guardian angel that hangs from my rearview mirror is my daily reminder as is the button that sits in the coveted Starbucks card holder by my gear shift in the jeep.
Fast forward to today when I received a text from Rob about a benefit being put on for his brother Troy, later this summer. I responded and a short "conversation" ensued. It was when he made a comment that seemed to echo my day yesterday, that it began to nag at me.
I am a hopeless romantic. I daydream. I fantasize. I wonder about things that are bigger than me and challenge the responses of people who "believe" in what's been written but they've never seen or experienced themselves. But at the same time I do believe that there is no such thing as a coincidence, that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we are supposed to learn from these happenings or "hear" a message - which will enable us to learn, live, change, heal, take action... and so on.
There's a reason for *this*, and whatever it is, I just want you to know - I'm listening. If I'm needed to "help", I will. I know - you know.
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