Here it is. Read it. Don't read it.
6 years ago a family member of mine divorced her husband and moved far away from him and her daughters. Prior to that, this family member and I had a falling out and we've never come back from it. But then - the only reason I've ever tried to was for the kids. It's been clear that this person is devoid of emotion, feeling, and caring about anyone unless it suits a need.
I've stuck my nose in where it didn't belong - not because I am the kind that goes off an gossips about it after Sunday church - but I think mostly because I was/am so in shock that a mother could leave her kids. It's so unnatural. I live my life for mine - and would like to spend more time with them than I will ever get to again so the thought of leaving kids behind is just so bewildering.
As time has gone on - this persons' role in the family dynamic has changed - as has mine. I'm no longer the liar. I'm not the one who steals. I've never had the police called on me for disturbing the peace. I don't tell people I take a half a hydrocodone or oxycontin a day for migraine management. But then, even in my lying and stealing days (you know, the dippin' sticks they used to sell at Bernard Market or change from the parents change jar - yes, I did that, and worse.) I would never have had the drug issue.... so that's irrelevant.
Times have changed. People have changed.
A month or so back - this persons ex-husband called and asked me about stuff he found while gutting the house. He said his ex-wife had left it and knowing she had been back to the house, stayed in the house many times over the past 6 years - she never took it with her, did I want it? "No. Toss it." He went on to say "Someone might want it. Someone should have them. Your mom, maybe." I still said "Nope." But he couldn't not toss it, so sent it here, by car, with another family member. There was a picture of my grandparents and I thought "I might want that." It was on top, I didn't go through the boxes as I don't have room for anything else - I have what I need or will use. More than I need or will use or look at...
I get a text from my mom on Saturday night as Jeff and I are heading out asking if my step dad had a beer up here when he came up to get some of their stuff/his stuff. "No." Was he in a bad mood when he left. "No" Whatever... I get home that night to an email telling me that that stuff BELONGS to the person who left it in the house she was bought out of 6 years earlier and I was to bring it immediately to my step dad or the relative the next morning/day.
We brought the stuff to his attention... it's not like we were trying to hide it or keep anything from anyone about having it. It really didn't seem like a big deal. At all.
But boy howdy is it. It's a big fuckin deal. Just so you know. And once again... ALL MY FAULT. It bothers me this time, sure, but each time this happens and it's NOT actually my fault anymore - I find it easier to let go of, move on. Sometimes laugh. It's sad - sure... but the fact that, over time, people know things are not quite right, but find it's just easier to let the scapegoat continue to do a job that she (me) owned so well, for a long time. For them to wear the rose colored glasses. To watch the elephant walk through the living room and pretend it's not there. To never be wrong. Or sorry. Or sad.
It must be so hard never being wrong. Or is it - It must be nice knowing you can blame someone, or anyone else's screwed up life on one person - even if that person had nothing, nothing to do with any event or comment or action. For a long time coming now.
Ya know what? Who cares. Really. Waste of breath. Waste of time. I've learned. I'm good. Why do I put this out there then? Because writing helps me get it out. Off my chest. Be done with it. There have been many many times I've wanted to put this out there and didn't. I think because I always held out hope that there would be resolution. That for once, one time, it wouldn't be my fault when it really wasn't... my fault. But for some, that's never going to happen. And I need to let it go - once and for all.
Goodbye dear scapegoat. You're needed at another dysfunctional family's house now. I'm letting you go.
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