Two mornings ago - The Dad and I started our morning walk. I was on edge because of the "stuff" going on and our talk, shortly in, was not turning out to be a stress reliever, but rather a stress inducer. He turned back, I forged ahead.
It's been really beautiful in the early mornings and walking yesterday and today without a voice walking beside me and no headphones or ipod with me - it was easy to get swept up in the sounds of the breeze, the majestic beauty of the rolling fields, the occasional doe and buck heads popping up through the fields to look my way as I passed by. The sun shining, no traffic - only the ability to get lost in it all.
Knowing "today" the 11 month anniversary of my beautiful nieces wrongful taking from her world of friends, family, education, work, life... the alone time draws me to thoughts of her.
Last year at this time she was working hard - earning money to help her on the phase after EWU... UW in the winter. Nearly $5K saved up... which is more than I've ever had in my life in my checking account at one time! She had just enjoyed the fun that is the Deming Logging Show with all of the festivities, family, friends, silliness that goes along with it. And in a few weeks time, she would head to WSU for a quick weekend to see her friends at their new school, take in a football game and live the life a young 20 year old should live. A week later - who would have known that was her "goodbye".
Today - The Dad will get to "visit" with her at the cemetary where she is now. I feel a stabbing pang of guilt as I am a bit jealous that he gets to be there and not me. But then I am happy that he gets to be there because that's a good thing.
I have found in the 11 months - since September 16th - that she was with so many of us for quite some time following the accident. There were months where you knew she had other things to do - take care of. More jobs and responsibilities that The Big Guy so obviously realized she was more than capable to do. But today I know she's out there. In the wind, rolling through the fields I walked by. She's watching us all as we tread on this weebley wobbley ground for the next 31 days.
She is there. I know she is out there. See you tomorrow sunshine... See you soon.
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